My dog just ate a stinkbug

My dog just ate a stinkbug. No really. She did. And I can’t help but wonder, are her intestines slowly filling with the noxious odor these little brown bugs put out when pissed?

I’m a victim of the Google generation—as in, as soon as something new happens in my life, I Google it. Never you mind the olden days of wait and ye shall see. No, I want answers. Quick, dirty, wildly varying answers that will lead me to near-hysteria as I self-diagnose my sore throat as something terminal. Bacterial and terminal. And possibly sexually transmitted.

So I just Googled stinkbugs. Actually I Googled “Can dogs eat stinkbugs?” Because if there’s one thing I like more than Googling random words, it’s asking Google random questions or throwing it ridiculous phrases to ‘cipher. All of my library research rules of logic go flying out the window and I just type shit in. Wild, crazy shit like, “Do deodorant stains come out of silk?” or, “How do I say ‘fuck my life’ in French?” No longer are we a generation of needing to understand a complicated language of symbols and conjunctions (search=north and carolina and civil and war and heroes) to do our intranets searches. OH no. We can type it in however we want. Hell, we can misspell it. Give it to her, quick and dirty. She can take it. She’ll turn around and seductively ask, “Did you mean to say…”home remedies for WARTS” (not wrtas)? Right. Yes. Of course that’s what I meant. And I’m always amazed at how frequently I find an accurate answer in those nearly 30,000 hits. (Let it be noted: I’m significantly less successful at self-diagnosed medical care). How does it work? How did Google get so smart?

And wouldn’t you know it, “poot-a-loop” from NC has had the exact same thing happen to her dog, Marley (surprised to hear Marley is a golden retriever? Because I’m not). Except her dog started vomiting. Violently. Maybe its because her owner’s online persona is “poot-a-loop”. I’d probably vomit a lot too. Just a starting point of the diagnosis. But not my girl. Oh no. Mine wagged her tail and looked for more stinkbugs to consume. Like they were stink-filled M&M’s and she just couldn’t stop at one.

Many a concerned and empathetic dog owner responded with helpful responses, like: “Dogs eat bugs, don’t worry.” Or, “Check her temperature and keep an eye on her, shouldn’t need to go to a vet.” And some dog owners responded with ‘tude. I’m sure all you fellow Googlers out there have gotten used to this by now, but sometimes these people make me want to scream and slam things down on the coffee table. Apparently there is a holy grail of dog parenting—a secret underground world of people who clearly have a deeper knowledge and wisdom on owning a dog. These people make no mistakes in letting you know that your little pound puppy mutt, you know, the one that chases her own tail, rolls in poop and eats STINKbugs, deserves better. MUCH better. And don’t get them STARTED on the benefits of dog acupuncture—its absolutely changed Muffy’s life. (I bet if I stuck needles in my dog too she’d turn her act around quick).

Or at least this is how I interpret the condescending tone of 85% of answers to these online queries. Something about the mask of the world wide web makes people think they have the right to pass judgment on the simplest of questions. Like, “Can dogs eat stinkbugs?” Response: “This upsets me. You know it’s expensive to have a dog. You should be willing to take it to the vet, if you’re a good pet owner and treating your dog with respect.” Um, I’m not sure you’re aware of the track record my dog has at the vet. I’ve considered renaming her Louis Vuitton, because that’s what I could have bought in FY2009, instead. But Louis Vuitton’s don’t chase their tails. Or bark at cats. Plus, she ate a bug. Not a bomb.

So among learning that I’m clearly a horrible pet owner and getting myself all worked up over nothing, I also learned that stinkbugs are attracted to light (perhaps also my vivacious outlook on life?). Also, did you know that stinkbugs are fairly new to the US? They were accidentally introduced to Eastern Pennsylvania. I mean, how does that happen on accident? OOPS. I dropped a whole mess of stinkbugs while I was in Amish country…hope they don’t procreate and spread. Now they’ve spread to New Jersey and Maryland. And now the story comes full circle. Thank you, tourists from Asia in Eastern Pennsylvania (hey, that's what Google told me. Don't think I'm spreading hate).

Oh stinkbugs. What a curious creature. I’ll hand it to you, nature. Pretty clever creating insects that emit horrible odors when messed with. Such a good idea. I was about to whine that humans don’t have such functions, and then I remembered: Oh. We do. And this, my friends, is why siblings fart on each other.

And just in case you were worried, Lucinda appears to be fine. In fact, I think she’s pretty pleased with herself. She actually prefers it if the things she hunts and kills stink—it makes her feel like more of a woman.

Thank you, Google. And thank you, poot-a-loot. I’ve learned a lot tonight. And I hope Marley made it through okay.