Showing posts with label social justice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social justice. Show all posts

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Oh, hi, I'm an American.


Before I left for West Africa, there was a lot of talk about Kony 2012.   A topic that has confused me and challenged me and forced me to think hard about the things I really believe about social justice and the role of social media in social change.  Because I work with young people who are borderline obsessed with “changing the world”, the mission of Kony 2012 immediately resonated with me.  Though I clicked on it with hesitation, and really hemmed and hawed over sharing the link, I ultimately decided to do it.  Kony represented to me a campaign that would encourage young people to educate themselves about international issues they wouldn't necessarily know about, help put a name to a place, and to fight for “justice”, a huge bulbous word with thousands of meanings, in the face of what appeared to be such egregious acts of human injustice happening in Uganda.  

Using tools of social media to connect masses of people behind a specific issue, Kony 2012 would press systems that local people rarely have genuine access to, systems of politics and power that appeared to oppress people, to make changes.  Yes, ignorant.  Yes, oversimplified.  Yes, perhaps motivated through American white privilege and guilt.  And, yes, perhaps not conducted as a local campaign, but rather by an American tourist who found himself overwhelmed by the fear and vulnerability he encountered in his new Ugandan friends, something I can relate to as a traveler and as an "adventure explorer".  Sometimes you encounter things that make you sick and seem to go against everything you know to be just and true.  And you don’t know what to do with yourself but start talking about it, no matter how ignorant you may sound, or how uninformed you may be.  And sometimes that’s how things start.  Sometimes, you have to take a risk.  And put yourself out there for criticism behind something you believe in.  Which is something most of us nurture in our children.  If you believe in something, stop at nothing to achieve it. 

The immediate scrutiny of this campaign as "racist" and “western imperialism” came across to me as just as pompous as the campaign itself.  The criticism went viral almost as quickly as the video.  The snarky leftist commentary and the uppity op-eds from the bookish websites and magazines that I, too, read daily starting pouring in and I was struck with this feeling of defensiveness that I didn’t expect from myself, as I’m usually the one to be critical and snarky.  

But you well-seasoned do-gooders have forgotten something critical:  you too were once stupid and uninformed and blindly passionate about something you knew nothing about.  Time, age, and experience are the only things that help you refine that passion, and tame your actions into responsible, sustainable ones.  These are things that are learned through practice.  Through watching failed reform efforts instituted by people who don't have to live the daily life, who are disconnected from the core of the real work.  We, of all people, should understand the intentions of where Kony 2012 came from.

I was disappointed in my peers who so quickly dismissed this young man’s passion as “racism” and surprised at how few people were cheering how quickly Kony 2012 spread.  How fast it became viral.  How many people shared it.  The real power behind these tools of media and Facebook and Twitter.  Clearly, there was something powerful in his film.  It hit the right notes with people.  And not just young white college students.  More than 800 million people watched this video in less than a week.  That's powerful.  

People are generally pretty shocked to learn about what is happening in places that the Western media doesn’t talk about (unless of course something has happened to an American there).  Not everyone reads Al Jeezera and the BBC Africa everyday.   Not everyone knows Africa isn’t a country.  Fact:  most people are blindly ignorant about most of the world, not because they choose to be, but because there is limited access to real information.  Because it takes digging to find the real news underneath America’s obsession with all things celebrity.

And now, having had a few weeks to really think about it, I understand more why Kony 2012 was a misguided mission.  How damaging it probably has been for local Ugandans.  And really for many Africans who got lumped together in the video’s oversimplification of “Africa”.  I understand the snarky skepticism.  But I still hold onto this notion that we have to begin somewhere.  And that there is work to be done that most people don't know about.  And is it really such a crime to inform people about these things?

Right after I arrived in Ghana, with a bitter taste in my mouth about Kony, the news about Trayvon Martin was beginning to go viral, and I watched from half-way around the world as my friends and family posted articles and pictures rallying against the racial injustice of this young man’s murder.  I read as much as I could download on the slow internet connection and was fed information mostly through social media, again, impressed with the power of this tool to spread information across the world with such immediacy.  As the Facebook posts and bloggers began to dig deeper, I watched as people began to make connections between Kony and Trayvon.  Between racial injustice and systemic and structural racism.  Between US immigration law and Trayvon.  Between white guilt, a hunger to “fix things” perhaps not really broken in the first place and a color-blindness, a product of privilege, that sometimes hurts people more than it helps. 

And it seems Trayvon Martin has become something even bigger in the last few days.  Maybe because the case is as blatant and obvious as can be to anyone with eyes and ears, and this has become a vehicle for exposing thousands of narratives about people’s real racial fears.  Or maybe because this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  

To call Trayvon Martin a symbol of racial injustice would be a gross underestimation of how common Martin’s story has become.  And not just because of this one case, but because Martin seems to have broken the chain of silence about the hundreds of thousands of others that happen everyday to Americans who aren’t white.  Trayvon has triggered honest dialogue about what's really happening in 2012.  About what our supposedly “post-racial Obama” age is all about.  And here's a hint: it’s far from post-racial.  And we’re far from an age of racial justice.

Traveling through West Africa as a young white woman seems to be an almost perfect setting for thinking about racial injustice.  Just that sentence made me want to gag a little.  Spending my afternoon in a castle built by the Portuguese in the 1400s, with slave dungeons that shackled thousands of human beings to each other at a time for hundreds of years, couldn’t be a more fitting setting to think about institutional racism.  To think about the power of colonialism and western imperialism.  To think about fear and vulnerability and what can go wrong when masses of people pursue actions they don’t fully understand.  To try and put Kony and Martin in context.  

To think about how power can water down reason and judgment.  How someone can blindly support things that are at their roots evil and wrong without even knowing it.  How you could be a business man in New York City in the late 1700s, unknowingly supporting the capturing of thousands of Africans to be enslaved, by buying and importing his cane sugar from Cuba, and investing his money in a ship he was most likely unaware would be filled to the boughs with human bodies along the slave trade triangle.  Or perhaps we’ve given him too much credit, and he did know.  How you could be an American housewife who employs a young black woman to help you raise your children, not because you think you can’t do it alone, or because you’re participating in slavery, but because the culture of your time says you have to do this.  You have to hire this woman.  And that she isn’t your peer.  And that she doesn’t deserve to be paid well or have access to the same systems you do.  Or perhaps we’ve given her too much credit.  And she did know. 

These are the systems that were built by our country.  These systems that so many of us have fought against for more than a century, and probably will continue to fight against for many more.  And to not acknowledge that the foundational backbone of modern America has been built on the economics and structural deficiencies of slavery, is a painful form of ignorance and bigotry, perhaps more deadly than a young black man being murdered because he’s young and black and a potential threat.  

I think about racism a lot.  Perhaps its because I encounter it so frequently in my work and in my travels.  Or because I work at a private liberal arts college where topics about racism and social injustice are daily conversations I have with my students.   Maybe its because of the way I was raised and the community I grew up in, and thankfully, the open-mindedness of my family.  Or its because of the many interracial relationships I’ve been in over the years, and the way I’ve felt when we hold hands in certain places or kiss in public (or the way my partners have been treated for dating a white woman).  Or the way I watch my loved ones grapple with racism in daily actions—going to the grocery store, going to the mall, eating in restaurants, going on vacation—and I can’t ignore it. 

Being in Ghana, and Togo, and Benin, places a realness for me to what it feels like to be a racial minority.  I feel the heat here of being white.  I carry the weight of my ancestors actions, something every white person should experience at some point in their life.  I feel the insecurity of being one of few with my skin color, a skin color that has literally raped the continent of it's dignity and grace.  For being put on spot to represent my race—and my country—that everything I do is distinctly “Caucasian” and “American”.  I'm Obroni.  Yevu.  White person.  Foreigner.  Outsider.  "Other".  And I see the damage we've done to these communities.  The beauty and strength of the African people and their traditions and the ways the "white man" overrode it, made it shameful, and built new structures and rules that made African people subordinate to white people.  Made the religions and practices of the white people superior to the religions and practices of the African people.  Not just physical slavery, but mental slavery.  We colonized people's minds, not just their communities. 

Which is hard to stomach upon re-entry into America.  Watching the little video in customs welcoming people to the land of opportunity, knowing full and well most of the poor immigrant families I know struggle for respect.  Struggle for legitimate work.  Struggle to be seen as peers.  As equals.  

And knowing just how exhausting it is, for two or three weeks at a time, to feel as though I've been held accountable for everything the "white man" did to Africa (which is perhaps more my own mental infliction than what is really happening), I can't help but translate my experience as the norm.  Which is something I hear a lot from my students of color back in the States.  That they’re such a minority on campus or in their workplace or in their faith community, that they are asked, everyday, to represent their entire race.  That they’re put on spot to be the voice of "Black" or "Latino" everyday, and in every class, and how its utterly exhausting to feel so alone.  And so misunderstood.  And so representative of “other”.  

To say I understand that feeling because of my collective eight or nine months worth of time spent in West Africa would be grievously ignorant and would be dismissive to the experiences of Black Americans who fight this fight every single day of their life.  But to say I’ve become more empathetic to the exhaustion and to the overwhelming emotional toll it takes to be representative of a group of people would be true.  And to say I think white people have really fucked over a lot of people of color would also be true.  And it's like a reflex for so many people.  Racism is something they can't even hear in their voice, or in their hushed tones.  In their reflections on what happened today on the city bus.  In their accounting of what made them fearful.    

My work and my travels have opened my eyes to the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) racism that exists in everyday life.  And I guess I can’t ignore it anymore.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  Because that’s part of the crime of Trayvon Martin.  So many of us see it, everyday, and we never stop to challenge it.  We never stop to question the police.  Or the store manager that follows the only black man in the store.  Or the group of black women who get chastised as being too loud when they’re just eating lunch together and having a good time.   We walk away, shaking our head, but remaining silent.  Partially because we know we'd be dismissed as the liberal white girl who dates a black man and thus thinks she "gets it".  But partially because we're afraid, too.  Afraid of what will happen next.

There are days when I feel as though I’ve come full circle with my own racial identity and awareness over the last ten years (and days where I feel like I'm just starting to "get it"). Which is not to say that I don’t still have my moments of ignorance.  That I don’t still say dumb things sometimes or find myself in places where my privilege and my race aren’t painfully obvious as tools for my success.  But I feel like I’ve made a lot of growth over the years, despite where I started on this journey in rural Western North Carolina.  I can’t even count anymore the number of times I’ve found myself a minority, or I’ve found myself in uncomfortable conversations about race and class, conversations that don’t always end well or leave me feeling good about myself.  Situations where I’ve had to challenge myself to see beyond the surface, and to question the beliefs and value systems that have been handed to me as truth as a member of the white middle class.  Times when I’ve had to risk the acceptance and understanding of my peers because of something I believe is truly wrong and unjust, or because I’ve been given a rare internal access point to what life in the other shoes feels like (something I don’t take for granted, nor assume is comparable to actually being in those shoes on a daily basis).  And then there’s the frequency with which I see racial injustice.  Which is daily, if I’m being honest with myself.   

In the States, I consider myself an ally for my students, colleagues, and friends who struggle with having their voices heard.  Which has been a spot I've earned through years of relationship building and trust-making, not a spot immediately granted.  I’ve found myself in a career that indirectly supports a lot of people who are victims of institutional racism.  Who are products of a system that could be challenged as having done more harm than good, now multiple generations deep in Welfare-supported families and school systems that have never truly educated their children because of the color of their skin, and the lack of money in their pockets.  And I’ve been blessed to be let in to some intimate circles in these communities.  A place not all white folk can find themselves.  I’ve been accepted as honest enough to trust and privy to conversations that not all white people get to hear (and not all white people could stomach to hear).  And smart enough to keep quiet when I need to keep quiet, because that's part of the trust-building and the relationship making.  And yes, these communities have transformed into complex, deeply misunderstood places.  The “inner-city”.  The “ghetto”.  A  place many people talk about but few have truly stepped foot inside to see what’s really happening there. 

Movies and the David Simon’s of the world have taken great pains to accurately paint the picture:  broken-down systems that tangle incestuously underground and become hopelessly broken, and no one seems to care except the little kid waiting to be fed a government-subsidized lunch in a cafeteria infested with rats and cockroaches.   And people have mostly stopped there.  They’ve seen the movie.  Or the television series.  They don’t need to know more.  They don’t care about the corner store that has stopped selling breakfast to kids so that they can perhaps attempt to make it to school on time.  Or the group of retired neighborhood leaders who have decided to sit on their front porches every day from 2:00 to 4:00 pm to ensure the “school bus”, the multi-block walk most kids take from school to home, is a safe walk.  Or the group of religious leaders who raise money to send groups of kids on trips around the world so that they can attempt to be competitive with their suburban and private-school educated peers when they begin to apply to college.  These stories don’t generally make the front page of the Baltimore Sun.  But when a group of  black boys beat someone up on the public bus, it’s in every media outlet.  When a young black man kills someone in front of the Nordstrom in the County, everyone begins to cluck and shake their heads in unison about how there is nothing sacred anymore.  When a young black woman beats up a transgendered woman in a McDonalds, it makes national news.

Which is where things get ugly.  Where Kony 2012 becomes western imperialism, and not a plea for social justice.  Where Trayvon Martin becomes representative of all the racism that happens in everyday life because Americans genuinely don’t acknowledge black suffering as a part of the human experience.  Which is woefully ignorant.  The same kind of ignorance that says because we have a Black president, that we no longer have race issues.  Because we don’t acknowledge that these things happen every day, in every community.  We treat this as an exception.  And we fail to ask the most critical question:  how do the people who live there really feel?  What do the people want?  How do the people want to move forward? 

Our most painful racism is our lack of desire to know more about each other.  To dig deeper.  To really understand the people and the places that suffer the most.  Our willingness to swallow stereotypes and to perpetuate myths without ever stepping foot in a place we’ve dismissed as broken.  To label all Africans as suffering, or hungry.  To label all inner-city black teenagers as thugs or criminals.   All Muslims as terrorists.  All Latinos as lazy and stupid.

And then we have our struggles with organized social justice.  In an age of social media and technology, we are perhaps most ignorant about how to effectively enact social change without behaving like colonizers.  Or imperialists.  We’ve forgotten that at the root of injustice, is a person or a group of people who are victims.  People who are being oppressed.  And that oppression is never simple.  Or easily stopped.  And that, internally, personal agency must be employed in these communities to really begin change.  Change can’t be applied from the outside.  It must be nurtured from the inside.  Layers upon layers of heavy corruption tangle the mess and it’s damn near impossible to find the real cause of a problem, or to identify one person as the perpetuator and one person as the solution.  

Which is where I struggle the most, professionally, to understand how to best help my students who are so passionate about helping others.  Who are so out-spoken about social change.  Who are so ignorant about what’s really happening in the world, but so blissfully charged to do something anyway that it’s hard to stop them.  How to teach them to work from the inside.  To understand a community inside and out before suggesting solutions to problems they’ve interpreted through the lens of “outsider”.  To burst their bubble.  To ruin their dreams of being a solution-maker.  A peace worker.  A white savior.

Like many of my Facebook friends over the last few days, a dear friend of mine posted a picture of himself in a hoodie in solidarity with Trayvon Martin.  This friend is a loyal leader in his community, and someone who supports the young men in his neighborhood with a passion that can’t be tempered.  He is steadfast and loyal to these young men, no matter what happens to them.  Even when they fall victim to the system and become a statistic.  And he’s an internal as you can get.  He’s lived in the neighborhood his whole life, and understands what these boys are up against.  He understands the power of stereotypes.  The power of these stereotypes to lead these young men directly to the alley to buy a handgun from someone.  The power of these stereotypes to sling on the corner.  The power of these stereotypes to build a pipeline from a middle school directly to a juvenile detention center.

Next to his picture he wrote, “Prepare for War.  Pray for Peace”.  I was struck by his comment.  Simple words with a lot of meaning.  We are preparing for war.  A war that actually has already begun.  And has been raging for years quite silently.  A post-racial Obama age war.  A war on assumptions.  A war on ignorance.  And yet we are praying for peace simultaneously.  Wishing we could close our eyes and tap our heels and find ourselves somewhere else, where we don’t have to worry about our young black men being shot for being young.  And black.  And male.

We are in a unique time in history.  Just this morning I woke up to this article and this piece and this one I’m finding myself overwhelmed and nauseated.  I don’t quite know what to do with myself.  How to make sense of it all.  How to take my next step.  Short of turning off the computer and going deep in to the woods, bathing in patchouli, raising goats and becoming a potter, to hide like some crazy person.  Which is not really the solution, I don’t think.

And as I sit here and process where I’ve just been for the last few weeks, in places where the colonial structures are literally still such a part of the fabric of everyday life, I feel particularly lost.  And afraid.  Afraid that I live in a country that so narcissistically places itself superior to these places—the civil unrest in Nigeria and Senegal and Uganda, the fighting in Israel and Palestine, the ethnic wars between Middle Eastern countries—and yet here we are, fighting our own silent wars against our very own citizens.  And patting ourselves on the back for our great leadership in the world.  For our citizenry.  For our community service. 

And I’m not sure what else to do.  But prepare for war.  And pray for peace.  

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Gratitude

This is one of those weeks that is always difficult for me, as it is for many Americans. One of those moments in American history that none of us will forget, assuming we were old enough to understand what was happening.  9/11 happened just three weeks into my freshman year of college.

I was asked to share a remembrance of 9/11 at my alma mater and place of employment this afternoon.  One of the great things about working in higher education is that we place great value in processing experiences. In sharing our stories. And though these events are often targeted for our students, those of us who participate find ourselves thinking and weeping and learning right alongside our students. Which is a great blessing.

I spent the latter part of this week trying to figure out what I was going to talk about. How I could even begin to stand in front of others and talk about this moment that has changed my entire adult life. My 18 to 28 years. Because 9/11 infuriates me. It makes me incredibly sad. It confuses me. It makes me feel uneasy and sick to my stomach. Still. 10 years later. And not just because it happened. But because of the decade that was born out of these attacks. A decade of fear and polarized politics and racism. A day that forever changed our definitions of words like “security” and “terrorism”. A day that would change virtually every practice we had in traveling and entering and departing public spaces. In our assumptions that we were safe here. Always. And a day that would forever impact the average American’s perceptions of “other”.

And yet this was a day that our whole country stood united. That everyone stopped. And watched. And grabbed the hands of those around them for support. For some security that we were indeed safe. And we built communities inside communities inside communities, like tight concentric circles, made of human hands and warm embraces and candlelit vigils.

Here’s what I remember: I woke up on a Tuesday to a beautiful clear morning. Unaware that I should watch the news, I didn’t. I dressed and walked to class. Finding the academic buildings mostly empty, I walked back towards my dorm, confused about what holiday I had missed or what time change I had failed to make, and found a small group of people standing near a television. I stopped to watch an unbelievable scene on the television. The eery silence of the academic quad began to make sense. Though I couldn’t quite make out what was happening yet, or just how significant it would become, there were billows of black smoke and people running in fear. Alarms and noise and chaos. Buildings were crumbling in flames and chunks of concrete and bodies jumping from windows. I watched, with my heart in my throat, never expecting to see New York City in the background. And later, the Pentagon.

What I remember most clearly, however, was that there was an immediate community in that group of people. And an immediate and overwhelming sense of patriotism, fear and anger. A loss of words. A numbness that overcame us all: Was this really happening? Could it be true?

Within the next hour, the whole campus was awake. We had found ourselves in small huddled groups all over our wooded campus. It felt like everyone was crying. All day. Our shoulders heaving in unison, hands holding each other tight. Two of the girls on my floor had parents in the towers. Almost a whole day later we’d learn that they had actually not gone to work that day. Others weren’t so lucky. My dear friend Devita lost her brother, Romeo, in the Pentagon. Others lost family and friends. It seemed everyone knew someone in New York or Washington. And all of us knew someone who had been affected. Someone who had survived. And sadly, someone who hadn’t.

Keep in mind, this was my freshman year. I was nearly twelve hours away from my home in the deep western mountains of North Carolina. Just three weeks in to my first year of adulthood, I suddenly questioned if I should have ever left my beautiful blue-green valley. Or its deep purple hills that would have protected me from these planes and these loud noises. But that morning confirmed that I was in a place that would quickly become more than just my school; this place became my home. The rest of the day quickly turned into weeks and it was all a blur from there. What events I attended, how we found the strength to go back to class or to take anything else seriously; I can’t remember.

In reflection, I now can say that 9/11 was the first time I was able to place the word “gratitude” in my adult vocabulary. It was the first time I acknowledged my Americanism. My privilege. While it seemed like the whole world was falling apart, I had landed in this small community of thoughtful people. Of people from different places and backgrounds and cultures. I felt safe here that Tuesday. And so lucky. Like so many communities across America, we became one campus that day. One body of grieving souls. One community. For which I remain grateful.

Here’s where it gets hard for me. At this point, I can’t always dissect my life experiences from one another. 9/11 was an integral part of my first year of college, but moreover an integral part of the emergence of my adulthood. That same year, I lost a grandfather and a dear friend, David. I met hundreds of people and made thousands of mistakes. Over the next four years I'd travel abroad and meet thousands more. I'd watch a friend succomb to suicide and another battle with serious mental illness.  I'd begin and end (and begin again) relationships that would teach me the capacity with which I was capable of loving.  Over the last ten years, I’ve lived a lot of life in a short number of years. This community has been the backdrop for most of that life and in this space I’ve learned how to process the things that don’t make sense. To grieve. To grow. To laugh at myself. And those first weeks, and those first relationships, have remained so significant.  Perhaps because this was how we started.  This was my very first big thing.

In my ten years in this community, we’ve watched towers fall and gasped as two wars have been declared. We’ve protested and rallied together. We’ve learned how to define big grown- up words like “community” and “justice” and “inequality”. We’ve watched presidential elections and debates. We’ve heard the voices of famous politicians and policy makers. We’ve debated controversies and we’ve shared great stories. We’ve laughed until we’ve cried. We’ve listened to world-renowned musicians and held small, intimate conversations in our rooms and classrooms and offices. We’ve struggled through moments of ignorance and misunderstandings together. We’ve grieved losses and shared humility with each other. We’ve been outraged by each other and ourselves. And we’ve helped each other process it. And though we don’t always agree, we celebrate the freedoms of academia.

And for me, this day of remembrance is a remembrance of all the things I’m thankful for. For this community where we have the freedom to think critically about issues like social justice and kindness and humanity. For the grace and courage to ask hard questions. For the multitude of opportunities we have to learn about ourselves and the world. And how to make it a better place.

I’ve always loved that our College seal references First Thessalonians, chapter five, verse two: “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.” I find this fitting because this is what our students have always done so very well: ask questions, dig deeper, challenge the status quo, seek solutions.

On this day of remembrance, I’ve challenged myself to have deeper gratitude. For my work. For my students. For my family. For my experiences. For the ability to dig deep on the issues that I care about. For the freedoms I have to learn as much as I can and to share that knowledge back out with my community. An endless ebb and flow of knowledge seeking and information sharing.

For our greater community, I challenge us to transform a decade worth of confusion into action. To allow our anger to motivate intellectualism and compassion. To allow our discriminations to motivate democracy and justice. Our apathy to motivate empathy and civic engagement. That we move into the next decade not discouraged by our lack of progress, but encouraged that there is still great work to be done. Motivated that we are the dreamers and the thinkers and the activists and the policy-makers for the next generation. And that we all have the ability to do something. To be a part of it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

a wish list of sorts

I attended a retreat conference on Monday that asked us to reflect on the last few months. As we closed, we wrote out a wish-list. Since I've been on a bit of a sabbatical from this blog, I decided to share my scribbles. Perhaps this will inspire me to start writing again. Perhaps.

Here goes.

6.13.2011
I want.


For the whole world to wake up. Especially us. Because it seems like everyone is sleeping through the most important parts.

I want.

For us to seek justice, not revenge. To seek solutions, not more questions. Even though questions help us feel better. Questions make us seem more important.

I want for us to help people, not because it makes us feel good or because it’s something we should do, but because it’s something we must do. Without a thought. Without a hesitation. Because our actions affect others. Always.

Justice. Humility. Grace. Community.

I want.

I want us to acknowledge our differences. To accept diversity as a reality. As a standard. The way the heat makes my hair curl but maybe not yours. The way the sun makes my skin pink and freckled but yours gets deep, rich, and dark. The way we may not agree always. That we maybe haven’t recovered from the past just yet. And to be patient about that. Because we all need time to understand ourselves. And the injustices we're born into. The chances we have with the choices we're given.

To acknowledge we share different faiths. Share. Not compete.

To admit we speak different languages but that we all giggle in the same tongue and wink eyes in the same mischief. Energy and space between skin can be electrifying. That love is universal. And anyone can be family.

Knowing that some times all we need to know is that someone cares about us. That someone notices the things we do. That some people love us, even if some people don’t.

I want.

To practice what we preach. To understand that we all need time to reflect. To heal. To recover. For restoration. Before we can go back out into the sunshine. A delicate balancing act of living, breathing, risking, and wishing.

I want.

Patience.
Tolerance.
Humility.
Peace.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Lessons in Knot-Tying

For the last week, I’ve felt tested in my patience and in my capacity for understanding.  Once again I find myself tangled in systems that have been designed to serve people who need help; who need assistance; who need a system to start working so that they, too, can start working.  These have become familiar feelings over the last five years, as I’ve fought, sometimes hand-in-hand, with angry parents and incongruous systems and frustrated and displaced people.  As I’ve tried to understand what it all means from where I sit in the world. To empathize, to grow, and to hopefully do something about the injustices I encounter.  But it’s never that simple: identify the problem, propose a solution, and enact it.  Step one, step two, and step three.  Because these tangled, mangled webs we call “systems” make such a mess of these "social issues" as they loop around these problems like string; wrapping and weaving until tight, unruly knots form and somewhere in the tangles both ends get lost.  Suddenly the problems no longer have beginnings and ends but soft, rounded edges that go on forever.

Sometimes I can’t name the things I feel.  I feel a series of words that live somewhere in between outrage and disbelief; sadness and embarrassment; fear and intimidation; courage and faith; idealism and hope.  They’re words that don’t always exist in the English language; words you can only feel in the way a child who is scared grips your hand or the way it feels when someone who is hungry looks you in the eyes.  These are words that get lost in human connections, because hunger has a hundred meanings and fear has a thousand sources.  Sometimes they’re things you can only feel.  And sometimes the words do exist but they’re ugly, nasty words like racial discrimination and educational inequality.  Ignorance and bigotry.  Domestic violence and substance abuse.  Racial profiling and gentrification.

And sometimes I feel downright strange feeling the way I feel, wondering if I really have the right to get so angry or to get so outraged about issues that aren't even mine to begin with, as I drive away in my car.  As I stir the pot of my dinner and contemplate what failed to happen today that could have done something for tomorrow.  As I sit inside my house, in my warm bed, and process my anger, my frustration and my disgust over people's ignorance and over middle-aged-white-men-and-their-corporations through this blog, on this laptop, with this wireless internet connection (knowing full and well that I come from a long-line of middle-aged white men, and probably am destined to marry one, too).

This is when I really start to beat myself up.  Perhaps I don’t suffer enough to ever understand the half of it.  These are the moments I remember the first time I got cussed out by a parent, got called a “white bitch”, and felt like I honestly deserved it.  The first time I honestly felt scared walking to my car at night.  The first time I witnessed police brutality, and I wasn’t the recipient.  These are the moments when I challenge my intentions the most:  Why AM I here?  What AM I doing?

Earlier this week, I went to hear Sister Helen Prejean, an anti-death penalty nun in the Roman Catholic Church, speak to a room full of Catholics, college-students and activists.  She’s a talented and powerful speaker.  After just twenty minutes of hearing her strong New Orleans' accent share stories about her book, Dead Man Walking, why she’s been called to God’s work, and why we all have to wake up to the injustice in the world, it becomes obvious why she’s such a good spiritual adviser to men on Death Row.  She's funny and smart AND a woman of God.  And while her talk mainly focused on the issue of the death penalty, speckled with some tragic and incredible stories about her interactions with death row inmates, she embedded an overall message into her platform about social justice that left everyone in the room changed, if not somewhat shaken.  She’s inspiring.  She makes it all seem okay.  Despite all she’s seen, and all she’s done, she still maintains hope for the future.

I always feel like there is no mistake made when these things all happen at once.  I'll refrain from the obvious serendipitous religious reference.  Here I am, having a horrible week, feeling all kinds of conflicting feelings about everything I’m doing.   I’m thinking I’ll take a quick break and just pop in to hear this nun tell a little story about the movie she inspired, and bam: I’m sitting there listening, letting all the anxieties and to-do lists of my life hang loose around my body, my over- caffeinated limbs practically twitching with exhaustion, and I’m having one of those god-damned light bulb “ah-hah” moments that I generally detest (can you say god-damned in a sentence about a nun?).  Her words hit me so far into my heart that I could hardly sleep.  I laid awake half the night thinking about all the things that were wrong with the world and consequently, all the things I wasn’t doing to fix any of it (okay, that’s a lie.  I do a lot, but sometimes it feels like nowhere near enough). 

Turns out, the world is kind of falling apart.  And turns out that I’ve decided to love a city that so many have written off as too violent and too dangerous.  Turns out I’ve decided to care about kids that so many have already decided have failed.  Turns out I’ve decided to continue to try to solve problems that so many have written off as unsolvable.  Turns out I’ve decided to turn in my brain and my worker-bee skills to be overworked and underpaid because I can’t seem to think about doing anything else for a living.

Part of the complexity of this whole thing is just how easily these problems can seem to disappear.  How seemingly invisible these communities can be and how comfortable people can be on the outside.  How unengaged.  How unaware people are of what exists just beyond their reach and how sometimes the people just beyond their reach are truly suffering; are truly hungry and living in a world that doesn’t even look like America, even if you got drunk and squinted.

How I have to make a conscious choice to see what I see, to dig where I dig, to engage.  And these feelings I get are embedded in this choice.  A knowing that I’m not always welcome where I go and that it takes time for people to trust me because I’m an outsider.  And I’ll always be outsider on some of these issues.  And how the issues can feel so huge.  All the -isms can feel so heavy.  And yet it all seems so simple: all humans should have access to all the things they need to be safe, to be successful, to be healthy and happy.

How sometimes working in urban education, I feel like I’m just trying to unravel the knot.  I’m playing that game where everyone holds a part of a massive piece of yarn and we’re told to roam around the room, winding and tangling ourselves (with the intention of unraveling ourselves later).  Except the room is a really, really big room, and the people holding the yarn didn't listen to the instructions, and without talking we’re supposed to figure out how to unravel ourselves from the massive human knot we've formed by bending around each other and non-verbally communicating and someone you don't trust has to crawl between your legs, while the yarn around your arm just gets tighter and tighter.  And every time we get one piece of the yarn untangled, a knot forms on the other side.

And there are days when I only wish I had scissors.  But something tells me, the Sister would advise me otherwise.